The Trash Whisperer: Interpreting the discardings of a single woman

Glam Trash (courtesy of drinkmixer.com but slightly altered b/cuz Bud Light is pisswater)

2 parts chilled Goldschlager

1 part Blue Moon ale 

1 splash grenadine

Fill 3/4 of a shot glass with chilled goldschlager then add 1/4 glass of beer. Splash grenadine on top for color. Allow the beer to suspend the gold flakes in the glass. Serve immediately.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if detectives had to ramble through my trash and what kind of assumptions would they make about my life. Not that I plan on being the subject of a Law and Order "ripped from the headlines" episode, but one would never know.  So I took a picture of my bathroom trash can and in a word - wow:

As you can see I have a soap box, condom wrapper, pregnancy test, q-tips, deodorant spray and under all of that is a melange of cotton balls, empty hair product containers and makeup remover pads.

If I were a detective who didn't know me, I would assume that I had a date, used the spray, date went well, used the condom, took a shower and maybe a few days later took a PT, and somewhere in between fell upon some ill fate. But that SO did not happen. Well never mind the fact that I'm alive and typing, I also have explanations that show how these things aren't related.

• The soap box - I'm fiercely loyal to the brand. Heart it. Need it. Use it.
• Condom wrapper - I actually don't have as active of a sex life as I used to. I'll get into the "fellas" at a later date, but this little wrapper is lonely in that can - trust me.
• Pee stick - It's actually not what you think. As the prophylactic wrapper indicates, I'm fairly responsible. But for some crazy unknown yet brief reason my boobs started leaking this morning. Oh btw, *TMI moment* lol. So I took the test as a JIC, but as I knew and suspected - no dice.
• Deodorant spray - I like my hoo ha to smell good. What other explanation is needed here?

I can imagine that some of my trash doesn't seem any different than any other woman's regardless of her marital status, but the juxtaposition of my weekly discards gave me pause this morning and I thought I'd share.

A blast from the past...blew up in my face

Fuck the Master Cleanse

2oz of Absolut Peppar

1oz simple syrup

2 tablespoons of fresh squeezed lemon juice

coarse sea salt

1 lemon wedge for garnish

Mix vodka, simple syrup and lemon juice in a cocktail shaker over ice and shake shake shake señora. Take the lemon wedge and rub it around the rim of a frosted martini glass. Rim the glass in the sea salt. Garnish with wedge, pour and sip. No bathroom trips required.

I started the Master Cleanse because I thought that I needed to detox (from bad food, not liquor). Little did I know that it's hard to focus on cleansing your body when you're running to the bathroom in the middle of salivating every time your cat walks by [like I'm ALF] because you're so fucking hungry. I made it 2 days, quit, did day one over and quit again. I figure now that anything clinging for dear life to my colon has earned the right to be there.

So after a delicious meal of actual food, I was heading to work and got an email on my cell phone. It was from me. Me four years ago, thanks to the FutureMe site. I had totally forgotten all about it, but thankfully I keep one of my email addresses for spam, facebook emails and now emails from my past self. So this is what it said:

Dear FutureMe,

Are you happy? Did you cry today? Are you in love? Does someone really truly love you (and ONLY you)?

Hey, remember when you considered starting your event planning business, but you wanted to wait a little while first? Did you ever do it? Around this time you should have finished your PhD. How hard was that? Please tell me you actually did it. I know you always dreamt of being Dr. ______.

how's the family? Is mom still driving you insane with her money issues? did you ever really cut her off financially, or are you still being the financial crutch? Either way, I hope that she's well.

Are you still working at that _______? I figured by now you'd still be working there, but would have your own business off the ground and would be leaving soon to do event planning full-time. I hope so.

Are you married yet? Are you a mommy yet? I know that for a long time you didn't want children, then suddenly it hit you like a ton of bricks. That good 'ol biological clock. Hopefully you have the family you wanted. Hopefully you're on your way to starting that legacy you've dreamt about.

Well, if you're anything like I imagine, you're really busy right now, so I'll let you go. I just wanted you to know that I love you and no matter what you end up doing, I know you'll make me proud.

Love Always,

PastMe

So umm... this is kinda depressing. Why you ask? Well, let's dissect the letter:

Dear FutureMe,

Are you happy? sure! Did you cry today? not until I got this email. Are you in love? no... Does someone really truly love you (and ONLY you)? *sigh*...no

Hey, remember when you considered starting your event planning business, but you wanted to wait a little while first? Did you ever do it? no... Around this time you should have finished your PhD. How hard was that? Please tell me you actually did it. I know you always dreamt of being Dr. ______. I just registered for classes

how's the family? Is mom still driving you insane with her money issues? did you ever really cut her off financially, or are you still being the financial crutch? just "lent" her $100... [READ: another installment on my birth, since I'll never see that money again] Either way, I hope that she's well.

Are you still working at that ________? I figured by now you'd still be working there, but would have your own business off the ground and would be leaving soon to do event planning full-time. I hope so. no...

Are you married yet? no... Are you a mommy yet? no... I know that for a long time you didn't want children, then suddenly it hit you like a ton of bricks. That good 'ol biological clock. Hopefully you have the family you wanted. Hopefully you're on your way to starting that legacy you've dreamt about. *sigh*

Well, if you're anything like I imagine, you're really busy right now, totally NOT busy so I'll let you go. I just wanted you to know that I love you and no matter what you end up doing, I know you'll make me proud.

Love Always,

PastMe

So it seems that optimistic me of the past has just been introduced to procrastinating me of the future. And I must say, it kinda sucks. But on the plus side - I've certainly gotten a kick in the ass from my younger self and changes are on the horizon. I'll still drink though...

The Impending 'Que

Bloody Alice (Mary's Sassy Older Sister)

~1/2 cup of tomato juice

~1 shot of citrus vodka (I prefer Ketel One Citroen for Bloody Mary's. Skyy Citrus is a little cloudy tasting and unnatural for this recipe, IMO - wait my opinion is the only one that matters here, lol )

~1/2 shot of red wine (preferably a zinfandel [RED zinfandel. Not that crappy white zin stuff], but shiraz also works well)

~1 teaspoon of lemon juice

~1 tsp Worcestershire sauce

~1/2 tsp of Tabasco sauce (if you like it spicier, add a full teaspoon and a few crushed red pepper flakes. Just remember that spicy food has to leave your body too...)

~dash of white pepper (black is fine, but the world is better with white pepper in it)

~an olive, a stalk of celery and a wedge of lemon for garnish

Put tomato juice, vodka, wine, lemon juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire and pepper in a highball glass over ice and stir. Garnish with celery stalk, olive and lemon wedge.

Enjoy!

It's another rainy day in my city. Actually, we just had torrential down pours for the second time this weekend. If I didn't know better, I'd think I was on a tropical isle somewhere in the middle of hurricane season. But know, I'm in the historical stinkbottom that is the illadelph.

I'm still waiting for summer to make an official announcement here. It's August and we've had maybe 5 hot days. It's all been rain and lukewarm weather. The only reason that I'm complaining is because unseasonal weather brings out the conspiracy theorist in me (you know the Russians are planting transmitters in our rain clouds, right? lol, j/k...or am I???)

So hopefully the weather will get itself together so that I can have my 'que. Every year I have an annual barbecue because I love love love to entertain. I usually have two grills (one for meat eaters and one for pescatarians like me), a slew of yummy sides, my personal dj (well he's not really just my dj, but I like to think that he is) and in addition to an arsenal of alcoholic choices, I always make a signature punch to match the theme of the 'que. Previous themes have been a "Let's Get Lei'd Party" (Hawaiian theme with a gang of "interestingly" coined drink mixes), a "Downtown Hoedown" (western theme - signature punch -Midnight Cowboy), and the year that I broke my laptop and lost ALL of my music files, I had a "Music Whore BBQ" where my guests brought music files on laptops, flash drives, cd's, etc to share and share alike. I think that was my favorite one (I ended up with so much new and old music, I could let it play for 290 days straight without repeating a song. And that's mostly Prince stuff, lol).

So while I've been pouting and pushing and prodding my landlord to get my yard together (I moved last year to a new spot where the yard is not 'que-ready), I'm trying to think of this year's theme, and most importantly the punch. I've already starting making an interesting light fixture (don't ask. Just know that it involves krazy glue, glass beads and small jars. I think I've accidentally huffed more of the glue than I used, but we'll see how it looks when I'm done ), but I have yet to be inspired. We'll see, but in the meantime, I'm open to suggestions. The LL who's also a friend tells me that I'll be able to entertain in the next few weeks, so hop to it folks!

Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying! THERE'S NO CRYING IN...

Cucumber Collins

~3 slices of cucumber (about a 1/4 inch thick). You can leave the skins on or off, totally up to you

~1 shot of simple syrup

~2 lime wedges + 1 tablespoon of Rose's Sweetened Lime Juice (you can leave out the Rose's. I like my drinks a bit sweeter)

~2 shots of gin

club soda

In a cocktail shaker, muddle the cucumber, limes, lime juice and simple syrup

Add gin and shake whatcha mama gave ya

Pour over ice into a large collins glass

Fill with club soda

Garnish with a slice of cucumber and/or lime and drink with a straw

Repeat.

I like my job a lot (it's not bartending or anything related, but I do believe that a few of my coworkers have "liquid lunches"). So yeah, I'm one of those people who actually loves what she does for a living and feels satisfied with the direction of her professional career. That being said...

A few weeks ago I apparently made a coworker cry. Actual tears. Like the salty wet ones that fall from your face when cut onions.

What the fuck?

It's a long drawn out story, but the bottom line was that she was stressed out, and I was the last person she tried to give shit to before her meltdown. I was ridiculously patronizing and condescending to her and it upset her even more. Then I found a very professional way to tell her to go fuck herself, and she pretty much threw a temper tantrum and ran off to a corner crying. When someone asked her what was wrong, all she could mutter through the sobs was "Alice..."

I personally think it's hilarious. Is it funny to make people cry? Well, sort of, but that's not the point. It's hilarious because we're at WORK. What the hell are you so emotional about at WORK? We're not dating, so suck it up, get the job done and call me a bitch behind my back like everyone else does.

I don't aim to be mean to people, but there are a few things that sort of "unleash the beast". But it's the same people that everyone hate, like stupid people, weak people and women who cover their entire eyelid with one color of eyeshadow (I'm talking lash to brow with no variation. Blasphemous!).

Am I working on my patience? Absolutely. That's what the drinking is for.

Who do I have to *bleep* to get "driary" in Webster's?

Alice's Half & Half

~2 shots of Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka (any flavor, but I like the original. They don't sell Jeremiah Weed up here, but if you can get it, use that instead)

~Fresh squeezed juice from 1/2 of a lemon

~1 shot of Skyy Citrus (or any citrus vodka will do)

~2 packets of Splenda (or Equal. Just not Sweet & Low, cuz that shit's nasty)

~2 1/2 shots of cold water

~1 shot of Cointreau (or any cheap triple sec)

Mix all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Pour into a mason jar filled with cracked ice and garnish with a slice of lemon. Sit on your back porch and sip slowly. No porch? Sit by a window that faces some grass and have at it.

I used to blog like crazy. Well let me reiterate, I didn't "blog", I used to write in an online diary that although it was open for all the world to see, I treated like my personal, under the mattress, flimsy lock, hearts dotting i's diary. That love affair lasted for good 5+ years, until some crazed lady found it, decided to fuck with my livelihood (whelp, there goes my profanity free vow) and I ended up shutting it down. Everything in my life remained in tact, and that bitch, as far as I know, is still crazy.

I don't regret having a diary that was open for all to see, because I know that I touched a lot of people, and I was touched by a lot of people, and not in the slutty mardi gras way either. It was therapeutic for me, and frankly that's why I'm back. I don't know exactly what direction I'm going with this blog (ugh, that word skeeves me out. I have to call this something else. Like a dlog - a drink log. Or driary - drink diary...meh), but I know at least two things. There will be lots of talk about the stuff I love and hate, and lots of drink recipes.

So... about me...

I'm a 30something lady who actually has a responsible professional job. No husband (yet), no kids (yet), single as all get out (this is starting to get sad), living the city life in that of Brotherly Love. I have a few degrees and plan on become Dr. Somebody-or-other by 2012. Not MD, because I don't do blood, but an Ed.D. will do just fine. I used to party like a rockstar, now I just travel like one, but it's mostly for work. I have curves for days and I'm happy to be nappy. Entertaining in my home for friends and family is a true passion and I can mix a mean (albeit strong) cocktail. I have an unhealthy obsession with mascara, curry powder and decorating my home, and I shed a single tear every time I forget my ipod.

This complicated, beautiful mess is Alice. That's me.

Stayed tuned.