The Trash Whisperer: Interpreting the discardings of a single woman

Glam Trash (courtesy of drinkmixer.com but slightly altered b/cuz Bud Light is pisswater)

2 parts chilled Goldschlager

1 part Blue Moon ale 

1 splash grenadine

Fill 3/4 of a shot glass with chilled goldschlager then add 1/4 glass of beer. Splash grenadine on top for color. Allow the beer to suspend the gold flakes in the glass. Serve immediately.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if detectives had to ramble through my trash and what kind of assumptions would they make about my life. Not that I plan on being the subject of a Law and Order "ripped from the headlines" episode, but one would never know.  So I took a picture of my bathroom trash can and in a word - wow:

As you can see I have a soap box, condom wrapper, pregnancy test, q-tips, deodorant spray and under all of that is a melange of cotton balls, empty hair product containers and makeup remover pads.

If I were a detective who didn't know me, I would assume that I had a date, used the spray, date went well, used the condom, took a shower and maybe a few days later took a PT, and somewhere in between fell upon some ill fate. But that SO did not happen. Well never mind the fact that I'm alive and typing, I also have explanations that show how these things aren't related.

• The soap box - I'm fiercely loyal to the brand. Heart it. Need it. Use it.
• Condom wrapper - I actually don't have as active of a sex life as I used to. I'll get into the "fellas" at a later date, but this little wrapper is lonely in that can - trust me.
• Pee stick - It's actually not what you think. As the prophylactic wrapper indicates, I'm fairly responsible. But for some crazy unknown yet brief reason my boobs started leaking this morning. Oh btw, *TMI moment* lol. So I took the test as a JIC, but as I knew and suspected - no dice.
• Deodorant spray - I like my hoo ha to smell good. What other explanation is needed here?

I can imagine that some of my trash doesn't seem any different than any other woman's regardless of her marital status, but the juxtaposition of my weekly discards gave me pause this morning and I thought I'd share.

A blast from the past...blew up in my face

Fuck the Master Cleanse

2oz of Absolut Peppar

1oz simple syrup

2 tablespoons of fresh squeezed lemon juice

coarse sea salt

1 lemon wedge for garnish

Mix vodka, simple syrup and lemon juice in a cocktail shaker over ice and shake shake shake señora. Take the lemon wedge and rub it around the rim of a frosted martini glass. Rim the glass in the sea salt. Garnish with wedge, pour and sip. No bathroom trips required.

I started the Master Cleanse because I thought that I needed to detox (from bad food, not liquor). Little did I know that it's hard to focus on cleansing your body when you're running to the bathroom in the middle of salivating every time your cat walks by [like I'm ALF] because you're so fucking hungry. I made it 2 days, quit, did day one over and quit again. I figure now that anything clinging for dear life to my colon has earned the right to be there.

So after a delicious meal of actual food, I was heading to work and got an email on my cell phone. It was from me. Me four years ago, thanks to the FutureMe site. I had totally forgotten all about it, but thankfully I keep one of my email addresses for spam, facebook emails and now emails from my past self. So this is what it said:

Dear FutureMe,

Are you happy? Did you cry today? Are you in love? Does someone really truly love you (and ONLY you)?

Hey, remember when you considered starting your event planning business, but you wanted to wait a little while first? Did you ever do it? Around this time you should have finished your PhD. How hard was that? Please tell me you actually did it. I know you always dreamt of being Dr. ______.

how's the family? Is mom still driving you insane with her money issues? did you ever really cut her off financially, or are you still being the financial crutch? Either way, I hope that she's well.

Are you still working at that _______? I figured by now you'd still be working there, but would have your own business off the ground and would be leaving soon to do event planning full-time. I hope so.

Are you married yet? Are you a mommy yet? I know that for a long time you didn't want children, then suddenly it hit you like a ton of bricks. That good 'ol biological clock. Hopefully you have the family you wanted. Hopefully you're on your way to starting that legacy you've dreamt about.

Well, if you're anything like I imagine, you're really busy right now, so I'll let you go. I just wanted you to know that I love you and no matter what you end up doing, I know you'll make me proud.

Love Always,

PastMe

So umm... this is kinda depressing. Why you ask? Well, let's dissect the letter:

Dear FutureMe,

Are you happy? sure! Did you cry today? not until I got this email. Are you in love? no... Does someone really truly love you (and ONLY you)? *sigh*...no

Hey, remember when you considered starting your event planning business, but you wanted to wait a little while first? Did you ever do it? no... Around this time you should have finished your PhD. How hard was that? Please tell me you actually did it. I know you always dreamt of being Dr. ______. I just registered for classes

how's the family? Is mom still driving you insane with her money issues? did you ever really cut her off financially, or are you still being the financial crutch? just "lent" her $100... [READ: another installment on my birth, since I'll never see that money again] Either way, I hope that she's well.

Are you still working at that ________? I figured by now you'd still be working there, but would have your own business off the ground and would be leaving soon to do event planning full-time. I hope so. no...

Are you married yet? no... Are you a mommy yet? no... I know that for a long time you didn't want children, then suddenly it hit you like a ton of bricks. That good 'ol biological clock. Hopefully you have the family you wanted. Hopefully you're on your way to starting that legacy you've dreamt about. *sigh*

Well, if you're anything like I imagine, you're really busy right now, totally NOT busy so I'll let you go. I just wanted you to know that I love you and no matter what you end up doing, I know you'll make me proud.

Love Always,

PastMe

So it seems that optimistic me of the past has just been introduced to procrastinating me of the future. And I must say, it kinda sucks. But on the plus side - I've certainly gotten a kick in the ass from my younger self and changes are on the horizon. I'll still drink though...