The Last Mojican Mojito

2oz spiced rum

1 oz sweetened lime juice

1 oz sour mix

3 oz lemon lime seltzer

1 lime wedge

3 sprigs of fresh mint

In a cocktail shaker add a few ice cubes, mint, lime wedge and sour mix.  Muddle the mixture for 1 full minute.  Add lime juice and rum then shake it like you're in a Pit Bull/ Ying Yang Twins video.  Remove the shaker top and in a tall collins glass, pour the contents of the shaker and the seltzer simultaneously.  Stick a straw in it and enjoy!

I woke up crying this morning.  Sobbing.

I dreamed that I was in some sort of parade with all of my closest girlfriends from different phases in my life - my best friend from childhood who I've known since we were 5 years old, my good good girlfriends from high school and my closest friends from college and my current life.  We were doing a dance number and every time we turned in unison and I had to face a different one, they were pregnant and/or flashing an engagement ring.  And I began to cry.  And then I woke up.

I suppose the apex of the way that I feel could be the text I received yesterday from a friend's mom asking for my address so that she could send me a baby shower invitation.  This is the friend who is a new, but fairly successful actress and who I thought didn't want children until she was more established in her career.  Granted she and her husband have been married for about 4 years and we're all not getting any younger, but I guess I thought that she would be the last of the baby-less Mojicans.

Did I mention that in 2010 5 of my friends got married, 4 had babies and 2 got engaged.  That doesn't include all of the "my life is better than your life" updates from facebook associates.  Just great.  But let me be clear - no one and I mean NO ONE is happier for them than I.  I have been blessed with having amazing sister friends in my life and they all deserve the love and joy that they are experiencing.  But I'd be lying if it didn't sting a bit, just because my life still feels so unfulfilled.

****Mid-post update****

I actually started this post on January 28th and I'm not sure why I never got around to finishing it, but no bullshit, since then 2 of my CLOSEST sister friends called to tell me that they too were pregnant...

*Le sigh*

Again, I am ECSTATIC for them. I even actually have accepted the role of godmother for one (and I take that shit seriously.  I have always declined in the past, so this is actually my first godbaby and I am super emotional).  But I contend that this still makes me a little sad.  Granted I spent the majority of my adult years thinking that kids were just a bunch of annoyingly loud and inexplicably sticky short people, - and they are -  but when I started being honest with myself I realized that I want little more than to have a healthy relationship and children of my own.

So here I sit - one of the last of the Mojicans, cringing just a little bit every time the phone rings.

A blast from the past...blew up in my face

Fuck the Master Cleanse

2oz of Absolut Peppar

1oz simple syrup

2 tablespoons of fresh squeezed lemon juice

coarse sea salt

1 lemon wedge for garnish

Mix vodka, simple syrup and lemon juice in a cocktail shaker over ice and shake shake shake señora. Take the lemon wedge and rub it around the rim of a frosted martini glass. Rim the glass in the sea salt. Garnish with wedge, pour and sip. No bathroom trips required.

I started the Master Cleanse because I thought that I needed to detox (from bad food, not liquor). Little did I know that it's hard to focus on cleansing your body when you're running to the bathroom in the middle of salivating every time your cat walks by [like I'm ALF] because you're so fucking hungry. I made it 2 days, quit, did day one over and quit again. I figure now that anything clinging for dear life to my colon has earned the right to be there.

So after a delicious meal of actual food, I was heading to work and got an email on my cell phone. It was from me. Me four years ago, thanks to the FutureMe site. I had totally forgotten all about it, but thankfully I keep one of my email addresses for spam, facebook emails and now emails from my past self. So this is what it said:

Dear FutureMe,

Are you happy? Did you cry today? Are you in love? Does someone really truly love you (and ONLY you)?

Hey, remember when you considered starting your event planning business, but you wanted to wait a little while first? Did you ever do it? Around this time you should have finished your PhD. How hard was that? Please tell me you actually did it. I know you always dreamt of being Dr. ______.

how's the family? Is mom still driving you insane with her money issues? did you ever really cut her off financially, or are you still being the financial crutch? Either way, I hope that she's well.

Are you still working at that _______? I figured by now you'd still be working there, but would have your own business off the ground and would be leaving soon to do event planning full-time. I hope so.

Are you married yet? Are you a mommy yet? I know that for a long time you didn't want children, then suddenly it hit you like a ton of bricks. That good 'ol biological clock. Hopefully you have the family you wanted. Hopefully you're on your way to starting that legacy you've dreamt about.

Well, if you're anything like I imagine, you're really busy right now, so I'll let you go. I just wanted you to know that I love you and no matter what you end up doing, I know you'll make me proud.

Love Always,

PastMe

So umm... this is kinda depressing. Why you ask? Well, let's dissect the letter:

Dear FutureMe,

Are you happy? sure! Did you cry today? not until I got this email. Are you in love? no... Does someone really truly love you (and ONLY you)? *sigh*...no

Hey, remember when you considered starting your event planning business, but you wanted to wait a little while first? Did you ever do it? no... Around this time you should have finished your PhD. How hard was that? Please tell me you actually did it. I know you always dreamt of being Dr. ______. I just registered for classes

how's the family? Is mom still driving you insane with her money issues? did you ever really cut her off financially, or are you still being the financial crutch? just "lent" her $100... [READ: another installment on my birth, since I'll never see that money again] Either way, I hope that she's well.

Are you still working at that ________? I figured by now you'd still be working there, but would have your own business off the ground and would be leaving soon to do event planning full-time. I hope so. no...

Are you married yet? no... Are you a mommy yet? no... I know that for a long time you didn't want children, then suddenly it hit you like a ton of bricks. That good 'ol biological clock. Hopefully you have the family you wanted. Hopefully you're on your way to starting that legacy you've dreamt about. *sigh*

Well, if you're anything like I imagine, you're really busy right now, totally NOT busy so I'll let you go. I just wanted you to know that I love you and no matter what you end up doing, I know you'll make me proud.

Love Always,

PastMe

So it seems that optimistic me of the past has just been introduced to procrastinating me of the future. And I must say, it kinda sucks. But on the plus side - I've certainly gotten a kick in the ass from my younger self and changes are on the horizon. I'll still drink though...